Hell Alarm of the Damned, From Hell, In the Morning

It’s not a fair world, I know, but there are really just some things that ought only to happen after you’ve had your coffee.

I woke up before Ginger did this morning, and decided I’d make a simple breakfast of coffee and oatmeal. Sleepyheaded and still-uncaffeinated, I set about the task of heating up some milk for the oats. Just after the pot hit the stovetop, our cat meowed for attention, and I looked away from the stove for no more than twenty seconds. The milk boiled over a little, and I turned in horror to deal with it. And then, as I was trying to contain the mess, a deafening shriek pierced my cranium–it sounded as if a five-mile-high bitchdemon had decided to shatter the Earth with 15kHz sonic waves. No, it was merely the fire alarm, which is apparently capable of producing a sound loud enough to be perceived by volunteer firemen 3,000 miles away in Nova Scotia.

Once I had scooped my brains off the floor and crammed them back into my skull via a bleeding, gaping ear canal, I began looking for the origin of the sound–for some way to silence it. I pulled a smoke detector from the ceiling (with no results) and fell from a stepladder, cutting my back on a hat rack as I plummeted. Somehow Ginger heard the phone ringing underneath the shrill cacophony. I answered it.


(It was the alarm company.)


“…” (I couldn’t hear her at all, naturally.)




We hung up, nothing resolved. Finally I succeeded in punching a code into the alarm panel and silencing the damned thing. And then the fire truck arrived. Yeah. And I hadn’t even had my coffee yet.

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2 thoughts on “Hell Alarm of the Damned, From Hell, In the Morning

  1. Ging says:

    Oh my god, I started crying with laughter reading this. Of course it wasn’t that funny this morning…

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