Category Archives: Come on!

Somebody Took A Dump In My Browser

Somebody Took A Dump In My Browser

Do you see that? Anyone who writes code in this style (or who deploys includes which import code in this style) should be flogged, beaten, bludgeoned, flogged again, pummeled, and flogged again. Use white space. Indent. Organize. Readability matters.

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HBO Hates Money

Boy Genius Report:

Jeff Bewkes, CEO of HBO’s par­ent com­pa­ny Time Warn­er, said on Wednes­day that the com­pa­ny has no plans to offer HBO GO with­out a cable sub­scrip­tion.

OK, then I have no plans to give you any money.

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More Facebook Design Brilliance

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What is with that stupid little dot? Is Facebook an elaborate hoax designed to test the depths of our tolerance for willful mediocrity?

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How About A Tiny Dumbphone?

If your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet gets stuck in your normal-sized pocket, now you can buy a dumbphone that will connect wirelessly to your gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet. That way you never have to use your useless gigantic five-inch Teletablophoneblet, and you can just use a dumbphone instead. Brilliant!

Or, you could just buy a phone that can be lifted by a single human being of average strength—if you’re one of those morons who enjoy usable products which weren’t designed by fucking idiots.

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Gruber on Fonblets and Phablets and Florberts and Snurbults

Pair it with a Bluetooth headset so you don’t look like an ass while talking on the phone…

That’s the first time ever that Bluetooth headsets and Not Looking Like An Ass™ have gotten within nine light-years of one another. Gruber’s otherwise got a fair enough point though, I suppose.

Apple Will Go Bankrupt In Five Minutes

OK, give me my million$ in ad revenue now.

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Ermahgerd, Samsung Is A Perv

No need to read the post. Just please look at these Microsoft ads, because money, and stuff!

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The Game Begins Again, Again

So, Amazon has announced a couple of updates to its line of tablets. Just as is the case whenever any new tablet is announced, tech journalists are falling all over themselves to draw a chalk outline around Apple’s corpse. Check out Tim Carmody’s dumbly titled (only for the page views, bro!) piece, “Amazon to Apple: the game starts now”:

Ultimately, Amazon’s strategy here is to avoid engaging with Apple on Apple’s terms. If or when Apple launches an iPad Mini, it may blow Amazon’s devices away — but at least it will be on ground that Amazon, not Apple, helped to create. Still, you can imagine Apple’s marketing team preparing for another round of ads already: if it isn’t an iPad… it isn’t an iPad.

Great article. Except for, you know, the fact that “the game began” 2.5 years ago when the first iPad was released. Apple “carved out” the ground, and then Amazon stood on it while slapping together a crappy piece of “me-too!” garbage. But OK, whatever, yeah, these new Kindle Fires are the 9,006th and 9,007th tablets that are finally going to murder every iPad owner and burn their faces with white-hot Ninja Fire. It’s a fact! A history-erasing fact!

Look, to be fair: Amazon is definitely doing some things the right way–such as attempting to focus on ecosystem and not CPU clock-speeds–and Carmody’s article basically wants to tell that story. Unfortunately, that story is completely coated in provocative bullshit designed to make fangeeks angry, and thus click a link, and thus be advertised to. It’s seedy and gross, and it casts a bad light on whatever The Verge and other tech publications might publish.

Actually, I think all of our commercial news outlets work like that. Screw obvious truth, here’s some inane gibberish, watch this ad. It’s no wonder we’re a nation of drooling idiots.

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Samsung Is Hilarious

Allow me to belatedly (and perhaps superfluously) make a quick comment on this whole Apple vs. Samsung rigamarole: Ha ha ha, hahahahaha. Ha. Ha! Ha.

But on a serious note: How can anyone find it acceptable that Apple spent five years pouring brainpower and money into inventing a thing that every single human wants, and Samsung said, “yeah, that looks like it’ll kill our phone business, let’s shit out a cheap copy ASAP and then act all righteous about having shat a sub-par simulacrum.” Come off it. Which do you turds hate more: Apple, reason, or quality gadgetry?

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